Expanding the Narrative

IMG_0311

 

The expansion of my narrative has been ever evolving and changing since I consciously started looking inward for answers.  In a specific school of thought related to spirit and humanity and its intersection are the “Seth Books.” The current read is “The Way Toward Health” by Jane Roberts who channels a spirit entity called Seth.

Seth states, ” Those who look upon physical life as inferior to some other more perfect spiritual existence do a great injustice to physical existence in general. Physical life is everywhere filled with the universal energy that is its source, so it can hardly be inferior to it’s own composition.”

I am doing a disservice to myself in not accepting all the human parts of me by attempting to put more meaning on the unseen parts of myself. Through understanding the acceptance of the physical and its unseen interactions with the spiritual bring forth deeper intrinsic knowledge to my daily existence and opens up the space and ability to live in the grey world and less in the binary of either or. Merging the two worlds in my consciousness as a beautiful dance empowers me, re-focuses my efforts to the larger CELL at work. The parts of me are already aligned and interwoven. It’s time for me to act in accordance to this TRUTH.

IN RELATION TO A NEW PATH of SERVICE

The free time I have these days has allotted me plenty of indulgences through which the widening understanding of this intersection also plays a vital role for my next work endeavor.

As I soulfully map out my next best indicated actions I stumble with the physical. Depression and anxiety are apart of my story. So is ritual and meditative practices. Coming to terms with the limitations certain forces yield within, through this book I have also grown to discover befriending my anxiety and depression as an .”..impetus to stimulate further activity and motion…” In the deepest sense, they can be utilized as tools, informing me of healing processes at work. Slowing me down to the cyclical understanding my “Cellular Consciousness” undergoes. I like to call it a menstrual hibernation. I am beautifully forced within to embrace my creative well, to let go of the month that is no longer needed, and to feel the sensitivities of all parts- reminding me again of this intersection: Matter and Non-Matter.

In these spaces of time, creation flows and I merge deeper with Source. Understanding my power and their power as not separate but on different wavelengths, different frequencies, one working in the background unseen, the other front and center, on stage, patiently waiting for the finishing touches of the weave. With this knowledge I am free. With these practices I know what to act on and what to allow for space to act within me. For the past two and a half years this has been my approach to landing work. When will I use it to go after my career?

My cells, my ‘Cellf’ is a uniquely vibratory force without reckoning. Constantly changing and renewing itself ad infinitum. My thoughts are as physical as the fingers typing the text on this page. My body as ethereal as the thoughts unseen in the conscious mind. My spirit is intrinsically connected to the Source iDentity by the inner “ego”/intuition and the physical means of our black dot/pineal gland/third eye.

|||||||||

i can do the work with spirit.

the work spirit is doing with me, are

the thoughts the body has yielded which are three:

body consciousness is cellular consciousness

is higher consciousness is

CONSCIOUSNESS

all aligned in thee

Advertisements

Blackness: my REVOLUTION

IMG_0398

 

I came to know myself as hating myself for the black appearance I have. Growing up in a homogeneous white space, with white media, with white ‘leadership,” white schools, white EVERYTHING, had me believing my entire existence was erroneous, ugly, shameful, and wrong. Heavy stuff to burden a child even a queer teen with. It wasn’t until I became more aware, sober and aware, that I was chasing whiteness, acceptance from a people that historically, biologically, chemically, sociologically, economically, educationally, etc etc wanted me to fail and die.

But through genuine friendships, self love and acceptance, breaking down and understanding the systems at play, getting to know my history, I have been discovering what blackness means to my community, to my family, and to myself.

Blackness is me. All the nuisances, historical cultural references which I had the pleasure of experiencing, growing up with black professionals, black families, venturing to the South, entertained through our music, television shows, the arts, our media, and film provided me a first hand look at forms of blackness. Blackness is not a monolith. It’s not one or two sided. It doesn’t exist within the binary. It’s actually totality and nothing -all at once.

Blackness and my search for understanding, what it means to me, is relevant to the resistance of white supremacy, bigotry, imperialism, patriarchy, discrimination, sexism, misogyny etc etc. Because at the root of all those listed forms of oppression, is the power of blackness and the attempt to mask and cover. Hide and shame. Lessen, repress, dismiss, modify, codify, abuse, misuse, and kill.

The blacker we are, the more feared and oppressed. Why is this? I have been doing research on the biological, anatomical, physiological, chemical, and hormonal components of melanin and its enzymes and its connection to the pineal gland, the sun in relation to our skin, brain, body, and the components that connect our bodies to the soul, to Spirit, to the Divine. **  Have you heard of Kundalini? Have you heard of spiritual awakenings? Have you heard of cerebral spinal fluid? Eye of Horus? Third Eye? The black dot? Melanin is typically understood to be the chemical that alchemizes into dark pigment of the skin, but melanin is actually seen in every organ and system in the body, including the cells prior to and when formed at creation: sperm and egg. Melatonin is a derivative of melanin and the main chemical bond seen in it is carbon. Carbon is the life molecule.

The Egyptians with all their gifts discovered where our soul is located in the body based off their findings of the purpose of the pineal glands in our bodies (not just humans) and how it interacts with the other systems to form and maintain life. However, it goes many steps further, Dr. Ann Brown calls the pineal gland the faith organ.* As we grow our faith in something larger, our connection to the divine deepens, our connection to our power transforms, and our connection to our material and mental world are realized in this space. We can no longer be burdened with the illusionary spaces that have been formed and created from our ancestral fears, anxieties, blood, sweat, sacrifices of black bodies dying over the oppression of a people. Melanin is the main SOURCE transmitting life throughout our bodies. It’s the main chemical in our spinal fluid, it’s what allows for us to sleep and connect to the Spirit World. No wonder it interacts with the SUN. Without the Sun we couldn’t survive. Egyptians worshiped the Sun. This is the main reason. It gives us life through interacting with this main chemical to further the molecular biology and chemistry in the body.

Current and ancestral “Africans” know this. Gurus from India and indigenous shamans know this, yet in the Western world the science behind the proof has been masked. I am not writing this to get into detail about conspiracy and mind control. I bring this up because after all the reading, listening, and mediating I feel as if I have finally connected my entire self, my cells, my whole, my core, the nucleus and all it’s parts seen and unseen to my beings. The beings of mind, body, and spirit with this knowledge. I am more connected with my ancestors and the reality of WHO I AM. Melanin is blackness. Blackness is life. No one can survive without melanin.

We are a sun people regardless of the level of melanin in our skin. But to take it further, I am a sun being and am blessed and honored to have the great levels of melanin/carbon in my skin, in the well of my cerebral fluid, in the third eye gland to promote and connect to my cosmological awakenings.

From this, I received another nod from the Gods affirming my place with Gaia and the Universe. I am meant to be here. Not only that, but o thrive and engage in my power with the Divine. These affirmations finally proclaimed my blackness as not just beautiful, magical, infinite, intelligent, but life affirming. Melanin is the Source and Bridge to Physical Matter and Spirit.*

*Ann Brown, PhD | Why Darkness Matters: The Power of Melanin in the Brain

Ann Brown, PhD | Melanin and the Pineal Gland

** Richard King, MD | Melanin: A Key to Freedom

|||

digest this:

As a black queer (wo)man/human, my identity is one of the last to be recognized by not just the Western cultural but where all the aggressive white supremacy, colonialism, imperialism, patriarchy took over the world. Blackness is feared everywhere. Misunderstood by most. Considered worthless by many; even black folk. Accepting my blackness and reclaiming my power in it, is the single most important action I can take to dismantle the current ideology around it. It’s not the only thing I can do and is sure not the hardest. But this is where I begin. My love for self is the REVOLUTION. My embracement and declaration of the power and divinity of BLACKNESS is the RADICALIZATION that will bring down the deepest oppressors.

~Picture from the CAAM in Los Angeles. We Wanted a Revolution: Black Radical Women exhibit.~

From Benedict to Self

After a meditation, I heard these words below. Were they coming from me or some place deeper within me? A place I tap into uncontrollably? A place I want to be in all the time, but feel I would be doing a disservice to the human parts of me, that don’t want to feel celestial and whole… all the time. path As I write this, it doesn’t even make sense. Of course I want to be the human that can manifest and go after their dreams without a second thought, like reaching for the water because I am thirsty. That’s how easy it should be, parts of me say, but then the other parts… The parts that have been around me longer than I have known me, say something quite different. They say, “you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve ease. You don’t deserve a million chances at your dreams, who the fuck are you?”

I always let it ride and go back though, to the hearty space. The space I feel comfortable in and appreciate. The space where I can see and feel both sides. Yet, when will I allow myself to just go all the way to that other side?  That other side of full acceptance and love. Where the actions that lead me to my grander tomorrows don’t have to imbibe toil and trouble; blood, sweat, and tears. After all, didn’t my ancestors already give their all under these conditions WITHOUT their freedom? But then again, maybe that’s what’s inside me. That’s what I am hearing, yet can’t separate myself from it. Maybe I am hearing what my ancestors were told and beaten to adhere to and some of my insides are confused, listening to my past-past instead of opening and aligning to my present? My Presence?

Whatever may be going on within me, here I am again. In my unknown space, in transition, wondering what is next. Wondering if these dreams are really possible. Wondering where is all this fear coming from? Wondering, what other healing modalities must I go through to understand and feel my limitless power? Or maybe, it’s just about the more doing and less heady analyzing….

|||| FROM BENEDICT |||

Languishing on all the past misconceptions of your identity
I have found you here
Suffering the illusions of who you are
We wonder, when you will use your power and display your full potential
No one is a master to you but yourself
Not even the greatest and most kind and humble you look up to
What you see in them is only your deepest manifestation come to life in another
It is easier for you to see their gifts and “accomplishments” in them over yourself
You ask why?
Because is it not easier?
All the dreams and material you want in this world is easier for you to lose if you have it.
If you don’t pursue what it is you want and are, you won’t fear losing it.
But what if I told you if it was lost, is was merely transformed
Just like in this transition period- you are free. No income is coming through yet you’re at the upmost peace in your body and mind since your job was gone.
So ever think or feel in the same fashion?
Pursue what you actually want, get it and then if it goes, it’s merely making room for the next chapter.
The next episode…
You may say you don’t regret… but your ancestors, friends, family, material extensions of you feel the regret. Feel your need to BE your upmost self. That is the true LOSS dear. That is the pure fear and anxiety. Not being your full self is what you’re losing. You will never lose when you’re after the truth. When you’re being your truth and light – all the abundance in the world expands with you and here is the kicker…it expands even when you’re not. BUT it’s Time my love. It is TIME.
Go after it my love…. you have all the support in the world, universe, and All there is. Go after it.

Letting Go

I wondered what it would be like to love you in the periphery
Not go as deep just reside in your shadowy places
Reside in the spaces of your own unknown and undoing. You don’t go there. You couldn’t find me there and I would love you like I should.
I then realized I am heavy
Even in those spaces I felt you so deeply. You felt me so deeply. Probably.
Loving you in all the ways- I died.
If front and center were possible
It would take a thousand rebirths to ignite my soul again
I don’t mean to give her my power
The stars have me made that way
It’s of course a life lesson to learn
In the dark corners of our subconscious
The strangling roots of your bestowed pain kill me again and again, incessantly stabbing the same wound. Gift me with these gaping holes a plenty
I thank you for reminding me of feeling…
My continued healing
Presents unyielding IMG_8409.PNG

Missing you

image

 

In my own world
Shattered by the inconsistency of my Muses
What will be of me?
Allowing these medieval thoughts and actions take hold of my sensitive visceral fuses

I love you and need you. The insanity of this world dims my light
your smile will recharge and brighten my sight

apart of you is always with me
But the more space between,
I feel disconnected, lost, blind to your rays
Blind to my own

You are my home. Without you here
It’s cold.
I keep doors open, letting the heat flow in
Outside forces only can do so much
Come back to me my love
Inside forces push and pull
Giving me hope and doubt
Inspite of the ambivalence I know you love me
But I need your touch to remind me

I Can Finally Praise Him!

“Dearly Beloved,”

image

I didn’t realize how much Prince affected my life, my growing up, and my being.  All the inner workings of gender and sexual expression I always held inside were openly and honestly revealed  through him at a time that was new to the industry Prince inhabited. When I fell in love with the music and his beautiful physical expressions I didn’t yet even have feelings or words to “his” feelings and to his words which concurrently align to my present identities. I just intrinsically, at a very young age, connected to this being deeply, viscerally, and subconsciously understanding the light “he” was bearing resembled my own in a way I couldn’t fully grasp until now.

My appearance(s), my love of music, the guitar, the poetry, my open sexuality, all were subtly and directly inspired by The Artist.

His death encapsulated my latest birthday. I felt to celebrate my life for another year was trite when such a demigod passed only a few days before. My life felt simple, not special, careless, and somewhat meaningless in the wake of one who transformed music, sexuality, gender identity expression, and so on. I can only openly talk about it now as I feel a sense of weight has finally lifted.

My mourning has finally turned into gratitude blessings of nostalgia.

As I stood speechless, wearing my lavender before I knew it would be the day of his death( coincidence – I think not!), I drew up my earliest memories of life with Purple Rain in the forefront, my early childhood musings with a vacuum- my microphone, jerking privately in my bedroom  emulating this fearless soul of a being, not man or woman, but a being in all his expressions and words, speaking truth, authenticity, and raw sexual desire…

I am nothing but grateful for his soul to have touched mine so deeply…

His passing is still shocking, yet it has provided me a new sense of freedom, release, love for myself, constant transcendence and transformation towards expansion, my sexuality, my gender, my creativity, and above all the love of give myself and others.

We all transcend into another spiritual dimension and we all act in accordance to our desires and beliefs in our physical  lives. His death reminded me not  just that life is finite on this physical Earth, but all we need to do is act.

In courageous action I can be the writer, the artist, the activist, the healer, the lover, and the being I am- always. I need not be afraid. His strength and honest expression of self will forever inspire me to be the demigod that I Am- that We Are. We are that light as well.

Let’s express it! “Let’s go crazy!”

Thank you my dearest Prince 🙏🏾👑

More Patterns

image

I can’t even cry for you
Because it’s me I am crying for

The person who loses parts of self and integrity when focused solely on the physical representation of acceptance and feeling good

When will I learn she will not make me
When will I remember it’s not about who she is with me…it’s about who I am with me…

It hurts to know I walked on this road again and at this juncture and that I am still scared, still wanting to make it right,
Still wanting to believe if only…then…

My heart is lost in translation with those physical representations of false love, false affection, false feelings…

I’m miserable