Journal Entry: March 3, 2015

Can’t keep you off my brain

I’m wondering if I’m going insane
The thoughts I have of you relate to me and makes me feel cold
Like who am I to ever think I was the sole person in this, to be so bold…
But of course now I wonder how you’re doing, what you’re doing not in relation to me but for you
That’s how it was before we formed something more
Maybe sticking with the desire is best.
Floating in the what ifs and continuously reaching, leaning, getting to know, getting to see yet still adrift
Was the feeling of my dependence of you a factor? Or was it the creation of a bond from the messy bridge going from one to another, without breaking up the old constructs,  that caused a wavering shift?
Then and now, this is what I needed
To be without, so I could go within
Even then, you’re in my dreams awake not awake- it doesn’t matter
The love I have for you matters
In fact it’s what is healing my
Grey matter
Blue inside
Sitting quietly, meditatively, underneath the Red sun burning my face, to awaken the fire inside
I hope you haven’t completely let me go though. I hope you dream of us (potentially) creating something wonderful in the future.
So,
I love you and am in love with you
The idea of us, I am letting go
To nurture me and the space I need to grow.
So,
I thank you,
my beloved for this
amazing gift.
I hope to give you soon, all of me
and intern see and hear all of you.
My vulnerability brings out my fear
My fear of, if I let go of this idea
When I come ready to meet you
You won’t be here
All is lost
I still choose to let go
Keeping faith with space and time
We may embrace as lovers again
Slowly clearing our subconscious grime
Together
with love, patience, compassion
Divinely in tow
Or, No.
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