All these ideas/phrases stream through my mind on a regular basis. Ever since I left my job last April, I have been imagining the 9-5 crew, the people that work paycheck-to-paycheck, and the passionless posers who are choosing survival versus living. I was one of those zombies, The Working Dead and still am in many aspects of my behavior.
Is there a weak or strong correlation among inaction, our “Working Dead,” fear, and zombies? This question leads me to believe there is no coincidence a large population of people love, paradoxically, and ironically relate to the fear and plight of the zombie world. There is a deep and intense fascination amongst people for undead zombie beings. They’ve been created and written to have one purpose: consume living people for their own primitive survival. They are machinations roaming the Earth, dead to the “real” world, to the “real” stimuli, yet they still have all fives senses to interact with each other and other living beings for food. Paralleled with the fascinations is the depth of reality in these fantastical scenes of zombies preying on the living for sustenance. I would propagate, we are the zombies. That’s why we are so fascinated by these stories yet so fearful of them as well. WE are walking through life, spending the majority of our waking hours working at a job that provides zero sustenance to the soul, our weekends binging on substances, materials, people to help us forget, elicit “joy”, and/or mask the insecure feelings that come with actually living in the present moment with ourselves and others, being unabashedly honest, raw, and vulnerable.
This behavior is a strange yet very familiar UNIVERSAL STUCKNESS/STAGNATION that is happening at a global scale.
These zombies on screen are roaming around in search for the living to prey and eat upon for nutrients- FOR LIFE! Fascinated yet fearful. We want OUR lives back. We are searching for sustenance, passion, the energy to LIVE another day, but are caught up in the cyclic death, darkness, hopelessness of survival those zombies reflect so well on screen, in search for the next living being to prey on.
I would like to say I am not a zombie. I would like to believe my actions towards growth and self wellness reflect the exact opposite of what I described as our biggest survivalists instincts. But I am a zombie from time to time BUT more often than not, I am loosening the grip of living for mere survival.
By a design greater than myself, along with my Spirit, we have decided to take leaps of faith for love of self and another to NOT be one of the “undead”, working dead, zombies. Pursuing a more provocative passionate love career was the reason for leaving my steady, secure, cushy, 5-year job. Leaving my girlfriend of 4.5 years furthered this passionate love affair journey. From the depths of the heartstrings I had never imagined to be pulled before, the extension of deeper love for self manifested from another. And the third part of the design became clear; the intuition I felt and denied was honestly awakening that individual from within. Heartbreak cracked open the once complacent fiery furnace of the heart and subtly as the tears welled and eventually fell, the painful heart beat of a once hidden gem illuminated the scars of promise and strength. Enlightenment came raining down to meet those tears and transcend the feelings of despair into transformation and hope.
The person I am becoming, who’s strong, confident, and able to exert herself in the world without the security of another, without the dependence upon something/someone else’s love and affection was a thought growing up I never felt would resonate with me. Why the thought of becoming that person when I thought I was ALWAYS that person. I never thought I would be the person to fall and chase after love and become so vulnerable as to allow the loss of myself to happen. I believed I would always choose myself first and everyone else would come after. My career goals would be first, not a lover. My passions and desires would reign over me, not allowing a comfortable setting to take care of me or an intense love of another to rule my behavior. However, through certain wonderful circumstances I allowed my guard to completely drop and opened myself to extreme vulnerability, the kind that most prideful people like myself would judge others for doing and stay away from. Opportunity arose in many shapes and forms because of this intense vulnerability. Degrees of patterns still hidden deep, waiting to be manifest in the most unlikely of scenarios, amongst the most unlikely yet beautiful of cosmic pairings and people, gave rise to insight, introspection, and greater healing.
Losing myself allowed me to regain and find myself once more.
Given all the work I have already done on myself and continue to do, it’s quite impossible not to see the beauty and surprise of the greater design in any and all painful and pleasurable experiences. Not dismissing the heartbreak and pain or the moments of pure bliss and joy, all of it matters and then yet… none of it does. Through my most recent discoveries as much as I want to hang on to an idea rooted from fear, self loathing, angst, and past trauma, I can no longer live a fulfilled purposeful, creative, loving life if one were to continue on the path of idea, belief, truth, and/fact.
What it is is what is. What we choose to do with the “matter” and how we choose to behave and interact towards it is the continuous beauty of living with the purpose of constant discovery and love of self. I had an idea, a belief, and a matter of fact way how my life should go and when I chose not to follow it, the path led me back to the most beautiful of places- me.
Shedding those ideas, beliefs, truths, facts of life, how it should be, what we need to be, how it needs to look, provided me ample ammunition and space to just BE. Some could say, all my words are all ideas and there is no escaping it. I say, we aren’t trying to escape those forms of thought trapped in our bodies and mind, we are trying to release them, shine light on them, reveal them to ourselves and the world, for nakedness, vulnerability, breath of life. This provides space for love. This provides our vessel with Spirit. This provides us with the memory of WHO WE ARE.
My sadness brings me to gratitude. My pain brings me to appreciation. My love brings me to fear. My joy brings me to possessive envy. My jealousy brings me to discovery. My heartache brings me to love.
It’s a cycle of immeasurable translucent awakenings.
I fully won’t understand why circumstances are occurring around me. Although, I will always attempt to clear away the debris and understand my part in it all and try as I might to be kind and loving to those I may have hurt, including MY SELF.
Love is a powerful energy. Fear is just as powerful. Stagnation never stays because the constant that I know to be just as powerful is CHANGE. I can’t fear, fear because it’s apart of love. They aren’t two energies. They are one in the same. Identify a time when you felt love and you will see the fear in the periphery. Identify a time when there was fear and you will see the love transmitting through.
If we all were to step into this power, how would the working dead look to us now? How would we exemplify our desire for aliveness then?