I have realized my car is my sanctuary. It is where I go and rehash my feelings and circumstances. In the privacy of my four doors I speak out loud my feelings and talk to my Higher Source, also myself, and maybe any other ethereal entities that may be listening. I wonder if this is natural or touching the line of insanity but whatever it is, I know and feel NOT alone. At times we express ourselves to loved ones but by doing so the gap of empathetic understanding may still be wide and vast when attempting to have someone deeply connect. I tend to process my thoughts and emotions alone to maybe lessen the feelings to later communicate them in an unbiased, objective point of view. But what does that mean? Unbiased and objective? Why lessen the feelings?
This year has been the year of feeling which has also meant the year of almost equal time processing with loved ones as much or more so as it has been in the car sanctuary. Almost not a second goes by where I am looking within and struggling to facilitate understanding, compassion, and love for myself and others. I use the word struggle lightly here. What I am really attempting to evoke with that word is a visualization of challenge. My feelings I have are across the spectrum. Some easy to feel and let go, some painful and harder to both express and walk through. There is much sadness, happiness, and nostalgia. I know I am nowhere close to identifying them as just an expression of a past trauma or incident/experience that is masquerading as a present feeling in a moment. I can not say these feelings I have are real or fact. Neither can I point to a piece of literature or art and say , “that’s it- that is what I am feeling!”
There are expectations here surrounding feeling and in part I think that is why it can be so challenging for me to feel and talk about them. Expectations are at the root of suffering and pain, I believe. For the longest time, if I didn’t feel something I viewed myself as strong and when I did feel- weak. I have been diving deep in search of growth for loving myself and intern others, but I didn’t expect it to involve FEELING THIS MUCH! Feeling was not in the equation. I was hoping for mindful processing to just skip my body and dive right into the parts of myself awakening me up to a brighter, sunnier tomorrow without fear, shame, loathing, and jealousy.
Yet, the honest truth of MY MATTER is by asking for this growth, the chaos of creative construction continuously yields equal opportunity for me to further my expansion in the flesh of the omnipresent stardust from within. These opportunities bring about a brilliance that can only be felt if we accept ALL the feelings and lessen the task of framing a binary dichotomy of “good” or “bad,” “painful” or “ecstatic.” But then I ask, what is feeling? Where does it truly come from?
Whatever it is, I have had the greatest privilege( especially this year) to partake in this messy parade, party, infinite act of plays to practice the one feeling WE ALL seem to paradoxically feel yet cannot and will not KNOW and DEFINE : LOVE. What is this ultimate feeling?
I measure my progress of evolution based on how well my heart connects to the egoless portion of my mind to communicate the uncommunicative (2nd definition). We aspire to relate and connect through all we can provide outside ourselves. Through different mediums, we make, fabricate, duplicate, assimilate, and communicate what we so desperately are feeling. ALL feelings that we so pragmatically and artistically attempt to expertly yet viscously and poorly convey get muddied through those expressions. I personally am waiting for the day to which we can look into each other’s eyes and tap into those feelings and intuitively KNOW AND FEEL OURSELVES and the OTHER. In this way, maybe we would be less likely to define, project, and fear those feelings?
Wishful thinking on my part of course. Maybe that comes from fear or my lack of desire to talk out my feelings to another at times, but as I say this, all we have in this present moment are our thoughts, feelings, and actions however viscerally true to us or not filtered through a lens of someone else’s definition, feeling, action, thought, etc. This is the exemplification of how complex we creatures are. We cannot escape each other. Intern we cannot escape our feelings. They are so much a part of us, they frame the makeup of our very existence as we choose to know it.
However, I am ready to remove myself from the lens. I am ready to be that pure unaffected source who feels and allows it to flow like the ocean waves with varying degrees of intensity, rushing in and out from the beach. Purity of feeling may never be obtained but feelings will always exist. This I know, may be my truth.