Upon awakening I may have good intentions. Other ideas start to creep in my mind, like when the idea to have a drink at 6am seemed appropriate before heading to work or to sit and watch a Real World marathon when really needing to finish a finals paper. Good or Bad thoughts? Some would say bad, some would say take a break when those thoughts come in, others would say neither. But I personally can’t help but side with these thoughts as bad. Even “good” thoughts now seem to feel like work for me.
Setting intentions for the day or goals is the hardest thing for me to do.
Is it because I don’t want to take responsibility for my day? Do I truly dread creating my own life in reality and just wish to dream it away as I wind up at another pathetic and mindless job just to continue paying bills without any visceral fulfillment? I might as well go back to the 9-5 if I can’t take charge of my own days.
I have been out of work for 2 full months (my choice). It’s consisted of napping, running, hiking, reading, writing, movie going, beaching, applying to jobs, searching for jobs, traveling but mostly fearing, doubting, hoping, searching, daydreaming, and sleeping. How does one become disciplined when they were so used to having others dictate their schedules in the past; the teacher, the boss, the professor, the basketball coach, advisor, parent etc.
I don’t think it’s a genetic predisposition provided to those who just know how to manage their existence without this fear, anxiety, and aptitude to create a single daily schedule. But as I write this, what comes to mind is we must do the things we fear.
This doesn’t mean swim in the sea with sharks or jump off a building with a bungee cord. What I mean by this is when we have that little push back, that thought of I could do this instead, knowing it’s not productive or vital to my current state of affairs I’ve been so eagerly and excitedly dreaming about- we must continue and push through that unconformable feeling.
The more we do it -the act of doing what we really want to do and “should” do becomes the habit and steps that may even lead to the passionate work we’ve so dreamed about doing all this time. And yes, later we may decide that wasn’t for us but at least we now know it wasn’t instead of dreaming that it might have been for us.
I really would like to believe the people that I admire all jumped out of their beds in the morning in huge anticipation of what the day would bring, excited as all hell to go after their dreams. If I truly believe that that thought just keeps me separated from my dreams. It keeps me at a distance from these people I admire. Putting them on this pedestal while I stay down in “common” ground below thinking I am not good enough to reach such vast heights because I don’t have that thing keeps me separated. It doesn’t come naturally. I have to work at it and hell a part of me clearly doesn’t want me working at it.
BUT if I were to follow through and walk, run, write, speak through that discomfort, I do believe I could find that thing that I am passionate about. I could find that thing that makes me want to start my day with open arms. But if I don’t start my day like that it’s ok too. It’s okay because some of us need to set up our days for success. Some of us need to meditate, be in nature, be active, before we start our work. Some of us need a routine that buffers our sensitivity from the negative streams and default mentalities of what we grew up with for so long in order to push through to the other side- to “normalcy?”
It’s ok that I must meditate, run/hike, eat, pray, and journal my intentions before pursuing my workday. I am identifying those things as the tools in my tool belt for success. Those people I admire so much, it’s easy for me to look at their success and say man they don’t even “need” tools. But the silly thing about that belief is, I just don’t know. I don’t know what they do to start their days or what they did when in true pursuit of their dreams how they managed their daily lives. All I know is what works best for me. That must always be my focus. My mind may stray, but it will come back to center with a friendly reminder that this is my life and I must partake in it in order to pursue those dreams and desires I desperately know I am capable of creating for myself. Call it working on disciplined intentions- no, daily self- love artistry.