Reading about philosophical understandings of Eros and lovers versus non lovers has me wondering why my mind and body favors “non-love?” What is it about me that wants to argue that love isn’t everything, that’s it’s not important and that “non-love” is the better option? Is it because with love comes madness? That can’t be it because I believe I have plenty of madness without love. I fear love.
I fear the challenge of love. Love has unfortunately not come easy to me in my past and unfortunately what my mind can’t conjure up with those frightening memories of the “non- love”, my cells know the feeling too well. My cells feel like all the pain just happened yesterday. So where in this understanding and awareness do I heal the non love? Where do I tell my cells, “Hey, it’s over. I love you and all you do is love now. There is no need to favor non love because that is what you knew for so long or believed you knew!” The problem with this is that the same self of “non-love” wants to hold onto the argument; the feeling of hate, anger, sadness, jealousy, pity, pride, selfishness, etc. is the same self of the love. And that’s where the true conflict arises. Two parts exist within me. A part of me wants something completely different than the other part of me and the part that is favored by the cells not by the soul is the part that wants to suffer. It’s the part that feels like it must. It’s the part that overrides all. It’s the part that has been around longer, “living” or shall I say :surviving” in my life longer. It’s holding onto control. It wants to be the one that wins the challenge. It can live with me and be ok. It doesn’t have to bow down or be ceased by it’s opposite- by it’s counter. But then this question arises, why would the soul allow for the non-love to rule? The non love is a fighter, which means it’s loud and abrasive. The love is gentle and kind.
Is this my journey? This must be my path. To have love conquer non- love is the reason for me to choose all the suffering in my illusory past, present, and future. I chose all those experiences in order to one day wake up and realize I am not those experiences. But the physical self, the mind, the body believe it is so. The challenge I undergo is to know thyself which is love? This seems cliche because it must be the challenge of all time, but for me the dots are finally connecting.
If this is the case, if this is my journey, than taking the steps to listen to what my soul is saying is the best solution for me. This is the best thing I can do for myself at this time. Dismiss the mind and listen to the soul.
Now how the fuck do I do that?