A Taste

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Can you taste it?

This love is deep.

Rooted in the valley of erotic, sexual, soulful depth,

we yearn.

Sprouting roots and wings,

dark

red

matter,

creating the life energy of our dreams.

PASSION lives here.

Desire dances to the beat of our drum:

Yum, yum, yum…

Listening

Faint is the timbre

Your heart beat resting on mine

Many nights I wonder

Rise and meet me there

It speaks so loudly in mind

Desiring rhythmic tones

Matching

In time, lacerations go unnoticed from the melody

Healed symphonic notes?

Dispersed in the stars

Must I only hear from afar

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RAW

Living, living, living, living

Once more in the cloud of

Seething, seething, seething temperaments

Life lived without fear

Impossible

Fuck the motion and the false gratitude

Fuck the seeker and the be-er

I see the truth

Screw the misfortunes of the past

Present to present

Desire to more desire

Lack of

Back up

Come to me and see the beauty of reality

Fuck me and hear me whisper and breathe in,

the melodic tones of your skin

Love me and feel me bleed in your arms

Suck me and I say MORE

No more to the cold whimpering of fear and angst

If you want me, I am here

Have me, don’t mind me

I fuck with my mind

ENOUGH

Don’t mind me

Fuck me
Suck me, lick me

Poke, pick, prod at the scars

They’re all yours

I will bleed everywhere for you

I will bleed constantly for me

Lick up my tears

With fear, I will have you

With love, I will leave you

With darkness, I will be you

With sadness I will see you

Fuck you

Fuck Me

I will be…free

Coming Full Circle

It amazes me how individuals have the ability to see what you yourself, looking in the mirror, walking around, carrying with your body, can’t see. Is it denial or plain blindness? A friend of mine nudged a book my way after he decided he didn’t want to read it for personal reasons. These reasons aren’t important to know, but I note this as important to my story only to point out all things happen for a reason. He was into the book until he wasn’t and I believe it landed on my lap at just the right time. “Sacred Contracts,” by Caroline Myss is a non fiction read detailing stories of her personal life and her clients lives and how everyone we encounter on our “sacred journey” is integral to our development as spiritual “worker bees” or archetypes on this planet. In other words, we encounter the people we do as they have a purpose in our lives as much as we do in theirs. This, to some, may sound opportunistic, but if one were to believe the Universe in it’s complex yet delicate interconnectedness and detailed and unexplainable weaving, we would/might therefore come to a better conclusion that the people in our lives are here for the sake of working mutually in a somewhat altruistic and/or symbiotic nature, always gaining insight to a deeper understanding of who we are and who we are trying to become in this present time.

I say all this because I have been going through an immense amount of change this year and apart of this change has dealt with complex relationships “failing” and me going back to the only SOURCE I know and rely on for answers: the deeper parts of me through my connection to my higher power.

Everything came full circle today after a friend of mine subtly relayed information on the topic of apologies and feelings and how we allow situations, people, and objects to dictate those feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, love, happiness, etc. etc.

I came to the overwhelming insight today that not only do I have “mommy” issues but that I am also doing a disservice to myself by not honoring this obstacle and not looking into it more intensely. By saying I have mommy issues isn’t enough. By interacting with people who have the same issues isn’t enough. To poorly paraphrase from a passage in “Sacred Contracts,” she says that just like a blind spot in our physical vision, we have a blind spot within our third eye that only others can assist us in seeing the true nature of a situation, person, or thing.

Like I had mentioned before, everything happens for a reason. There was a reason my friend decided to put this book down for me to pick it up and there was a reason for me to break a long term relationship for another only to turn around and get broken up with by said another. As I have written in past passages, these experiences were all blessings and I am finally starting to understand the bigger reasons, the bigger picture of why. At first it was feeling the love and pain dynamic, then the  gratitude to get back to myself, spend the me time I have so desperately needed and wanted since I moved to LA. Yet the larger reason is still unfolding and for now I truly believe apart of these circumstances unfolding as they did were for me to start seeing the larger blind spots.

Knowing something and feeling it are two different stages in development and understanding. I knew my little self needed love and encouragement. I knew my little self never received that from her mother. I knew/know I base my “worthiness” on my outside achievements, things, my career, the relationships I would be in, and the money in my bank account. But it wasn’t until recently I FELT the connection between this knowledge and understanding of my behavior. No matter what another observes or mentions to you, one must feel the understanding to really get to the root of the problem for intrinsic behavioral change.

My insights:

I project, assume, and depend on others, specifically strong, independent, seemingly action oriented women who “have it all.” I project my wisdom and strength on to them believing they have “more” of it than I do and therefore I don’t have any at all and through my interactions with these women they will be able to provide me what’s missing within myself. They can give me encouragement that the little self needed, self confidence, love, admiration, wisdom, and knowledge- after all I projected ALL of that on to them. They have it. I don’t. They have the answers- I do not. This is a subconscious way of me not taking responsibility for my actions and allowing this other person to do the work for me as I sit back and get what I “need” from them. That’s where the dependency comes in as I lose myself in these spiritually jolting relationships. I need for them to take care of me because I can’t take care of myself. WHO AM I? I AM NOTHING WITHOUT THEM. THEY ARE WORTHY. I AM WORTHLESS. I gave them my power and my strength. I assume they understand this subconscious interplay and have accepted it. I have assumed they in a way want to be the motherly figure my little self so desperately needs.

This pattern has become crystal clear for me as I interacted in this power play with three individuals. I ran away from the first, practiced it in length in the second, and was kindly told indirectly to work on it in the third.

I say again, it all has come full circle. The moon was full- now new. We’ve had two eclipses to hide and shed some light on this knowledge. Patterns don’t disappear if we avoid or walk away from what triggered or fostered them. I think the best things come to me in three’s. The third time is a charm. I can now feel and relay, patterns are managed and kept at bay by constant awareness, reflection, muscle memory, and consistent clarity, which come from daily introspection, meditation, prayer, and creative expression. I walked through my forest of weeds with a silent machete, came out the other side to a field of barren land. Within my tool belt, seeds of opportunity and prosperity await. With this newfound awareness and understanding there is only room for solid growth rooted in rigorous honesty of self and bold strength and courage to maintain and keep the power within. I AM WORTHY. I MUST STAND IN MY TRUTH and MY POWER and when the next fire comes to uproot the soil for new beginnings, more deeper and heartfelt awakenings, I will be ready again, yet not needing the machete for the weeds as there will be a balance of flowers and seeds alongside the weeds, interwoven beautifully creating harmony in the garden of love, appreciation, acceptance, compassion, and abiding authenticity of self.

Some may say, I have known all along about this mommy issue and that may be true, yet what we can’t provide for ourselves the Universe does. I may have known, but did I feel it to really understand how to deal and change the behavior caused by it? I needed the fire to set ablaze the blindness of the matter. I needed the interactions with others to remind me of what I ran away from several years ago when the underlying “issues” first came to the surface. The feelings behind triggers remind us there is some more healing to do. I hate to admit this as I feel I have always been working on self for deeper healing, but as these past experiences have taught me, deep healing is constant and we will invite those spiritual guides in the flesh to remind us of our “sacred contracts” until we are owning them and embracing them daily on our paths.

I thank those who were involved in helping me see. I hope I was able to help them as well.

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Journal Entry: March 3, 2015

Can’t keep you off my brain

I’m wondering if I’m going insane
The thoughts I have of you relate to me and makes me feel cold
Like who am I to ever think I was the sole person in this, to be so bold…
But of course now I wonder how you’re doing, what you’re doing not in relation to me but for you
That’s how it was before we formed something more
Maybe sticking with the desire is best.
Floating in the what ifs and continuously reaching, leaning, getting to know, getting to see yet still adrift
Was the feeling of my dependence of you a factor? Or was it the creation of a bond from the messy bridge going from one to another, without breaking up the old constructs,  that caused a wavering shift?
Then and now, this is what I needed
To be without, so I could go within
Even then, you’re in my dreams awake not awake- it doesn’t matter
The love I have for you matters
In fact it’s what is healing my
Grey matter
Blue inside
Sitting quietly, meditatively, underneath the Red sun burning my face, to awaken the fire inside
I hope you haven’t completely let me go though. I hope you dream of us (potentially) creating something wonderful in the future.
So,
I love you and am in love with you
The idea of us, I am letting go
To nurture me and the space I need to grow.
So,
I thank you,
my beloved for this
amazing gift.
I hope to give you soon, all of me
and intern see and hear all of you.
My vulnerability brings out my fear
My fear of, if I let go of this idea
When I come ready to meet you
You won’t be here
All is lost
I still choose to let go
Keeping faith with space and time
We may embrace as lovers again
Slowly clearing our subconscious grime
Together
with love, patience, compassion
Divinely in tow
Or, No.

Feelings to Thoughts

PAST

I never thought…

Sad to anxious

Anxious to sad

Heartbreaking, really.

Like watching only one episode of a show or just drinking

A single shot of an espresso

Why can’t the heart break or crack, just once

Like that!

Leave the rest of the heartbreaking days for reflection WITHOUT feeling the residual attack.

Did I ask for this pain?

At times, I feel like my emotions are the ones insane.

The love I have for you is greater than I ever thought.

The deep intense feelings when I see you, maybe too much, overwrought and fraught

I fell deep and fast

The red palm sized LOVE giant

With past empty chambers

Were quickly filled with vast bloody burning red embers

You picked me up and carried me some way.

Stopped.

Laid me down and walked away.

I thought I knew you.

I thought it was going to be just us

What resulted, cries and scars…

Choking on your shadows and dust

PRESENT

But then another version of you came back so abruptly

Confusion and excitement summoned the frail bleeding giant

Heartbeat pacing fast, leaking fluid, steaming up the embers

Goddamn you are beautiful!

Fucking gorgeous

Looking into your eyes, experiencing that infinite wonder, beauty, and potential

Immediately, I knew I was in trouble again, maybe back to the past, lost

And falling fast

Hoping this time I would carry me home

We can walk slowly, caring for our own souls and genome

I don’t care to know…most of the time

Void

Confusion

Bliss.

The unknown abyss.

FUTURE

Pleasure?

Desire?

Thirst?

The need to connect?

Leave me be?

Consuming and coughing up your dust in my smoky heart?

Crying and weeping, until I am dry?

Visceral Drought?

Bloody scabs?

Still loving you?

Lusting you?

Do I want to bleed for another? Don’t you see?

What if my frail, pale giant only wants you and me?