The Catalyst

You ignited my heart.
The dark warriors came up through my veins flowing wildly
Searching for answers, needing air to breathe.image

They want to be heard
Asking for a voice to speak and call out the pain of the past.

You ignited my heart.
Gave me the courage to love myself more deeply than I ever thought I could.

You ignited my heart.
It now loves and has compassion for those painful memories that accepted my hiding- masking . Accepted my defeat. Accepted my self loathing and pitying. It once handed me the razor blade, the pills, the gun.

You ignited my heart and reminded me that within I can be free.
I can confront those dark warriors and know, they are NOT ME.

Their Name is Morpheus

They say,

“Forget marriage, the proper/authentic dowry is the heart. I don’t give you mine, we share it. Connect the superior vena cavas. There is no license necessary for the tax break of the open heart. The vulnerable heart breaks constantly forming thick roots, grounded in the Earths’ core.”

A gift- to grow, to expand, to the nurture the self // We are all the souls of the sun, the stars, the moon, the Earth—- the Universe.

Molecules bouncing, racing, pounding, connecting and breaking.

Who says, we must create a synthetic form to connect? Why use glue, when blood stains deeper; when carbon fuses to oxygen?

Industrial Love Making

I wonder what fabricated, rusted manufactured thoughts I still have of you based on my existence to matter? In your space do you smell colors and see disguises of thoughts, like I do? Do you smell the rotten white matter of the diseased mind that hoards it’s pathway, it’s road of freedom in the confines of the ego?

Morpheus replies, “… that’s the disguise- your space is my space and it’s just SPACE.”

Like gender is fluid. Like when the most secure moments are when we are alone crying for help, ricocheting our most sensitive physical selves into the invisible matter, into the air hoping for the formation of our wants and desires to manifest itself creating our union with someone/something for happiness. Yet,  it really just is. Like gender is fluid. Like black is white. Like blood flows. Arteries thickening. Pores opening. Stomatas breathing. The inhalation of carbon dioxide. The exhalation of oxygen. Symbiotically we are connected whether one wants to believe it or not. Feel it or be it. Or not.

But what of happiness? I am Joy. I can’t seek what I have discovered is rooted from within. They say love is blind, yet nothing is kind when eyes are wide open. How can you be, when all we see is the darker image of ourselves mirrored by others and ourselves desperately needing vitamin D? The detritus. The gaunt ghostly faces of starving children, reaching out for the love never received, the acceptance never gained from the older children who created us. The zombie like images in the mirror of our darker selves needing to be released reflect our ancestors need. We are living for them too. They are living for us. We must die. We must change. These are both constants. Inevitably it will all happen.

Utilize the machine for growth. For organic lovemaking. For inspiration. For openness and fluid connection. The binary never existed, why focus on it?

Morpheus, I will continue to dive into you; into the emptiness for peace.

A love lost is genuine love found.

The realization I’ve discovered is in the deeper part of WHO IAM in relation to you.

Darker forms deconstructing the thick scar tissues, building the authentic being.

Breaking through the masked, scarred matter, I start to recollect that we “Matter- less” and less.

Surrendering into pain.

Sitting in the fear.

Breathing in cold.

Dying a millions times over.

Constantly moving, creating, connecting- thus forming the identity lost.

I’m alien. I am an alien. I am that I am.

-Morpheus

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Emptiness to Abundance

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Truthfully my mind has been on other things. Nothing. It has been blank. I have been wanting to write but what about? I wonder alone at night, tossing and turning with emptiness. I have opened my vessel, cleaned it out and nothing is left it feels like at times, yet what is this yearning, this urge, this awareness to express? Coming deep from inside, I feel there is nothing to say; must be Gemini moon wanting to push me to chat, yet instead, I am here: movements boundless and free. Anger revealed. Joy shining. Darkness and Light merging. Abundance expanding. I am here. Being. Acting. Living. Observing. Doing. Whatever I am it’s moving at a pace I am familiar with yet it’s so new. I am growing up. I feel it. The roots from my depth have latched onto The Mother. I have claimed stake, here, and now to be whatever the Universe wants of me. Whatever it needs for me to do I am here. This is genuine. Why do I express that feeling because it never truly felt this real until now. It is so natural this feeling, so innate; it is truly coming from inside, from within, outwardly being expressed.

As my roots go deeper to the core, I stretch upward and out, expanding my voice, my movements, my desires, my parts of selves, touching my loved ones and those who don’t know yet how much I love them. Feeling the energies of all coming out of me, going through me, securing my claim, my abundance, my connection to the DIVINE wonder of ALL. It feels good. It feels scary. It feels ambivalent. It feels creative. It feels. It feels. It feels. As I walk with my eyes observing, heart navigating, and brain at full attention- I know in me and us all there is the love. THE LOVE. I say thank you. I say I am blessed. I say I am free. I say I am connected. This is just the beginning. So so much for me to experience, create, and live for. Yet, right NOW- Contentment, appreciation and gratitude never felt so good. Thank you all.

Short and Sweet

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A dear friend of mine told me a story just recently about a friend of hers whom she met in Los Angeles years ago when she was in graduate school. She and this friend casually dated and as life happens they grew apart and went their own separate ways. Communication ceased. Years later she was contacted by said friend via text and learned he was married with a baby on the way, and had cancer.

So shocked and taken off guard by the exciting yet terrifying news- she gave him her love and wished him the best. Months later thinking about him she decided to see how he was and immediately learned of his passing. He was 35.

I share this story for two reasons. It was a semi- wake up call for me. I’m not scared of dying but I am terrified of losing people in my life that mean more than words can express. I know they won’t be completely gone and I do believe in the spirit world and their communication with us, but it still is a loss, scary, depressing, maybe even life changing when people pass. I realized there is more to this life for me than not talking to those people I care about because I “can’t” handle the challenges that come with it. The emotions or lack thereof because they “can’t” be emotionally available. I decided in the moment after closing my jaw from my friends story that I must take risks more. It is necessary for my wellbeing to sometimes say “fuck it” and push the envelope and dive into that scary abyss.

My relationship with my father is a rocky one. Who gives a fuck. I need to call him and tell him I love him. My relationship with my oldest sister is a complicated tale. Who gives a fuck I need to reach out to her more.

The other reason I needed to express myself through this story is because we’re mere mortals. We live on past this physical life, but that doesn’t mean the life we are aware of right now in this moment is so trivial we can just let it pass by without making the most of it. We can do whatever we please on this Earth, why don’t we at least do what the fuck we dream about doing! Say what the fuck we think about saying! Act. Live. Thrive. Just fucking DO IT. I am learning more and more that I let my emotions dictate my actions. NO FUCKING MORE. With grace, dignity, and respect for myself and others, I must act. I must do the risky shit. Push the boundaries. See how far I can stretch, otherwise why the fuck am I here? How will I know how far I can go or how much I can achieve if I don’t try? I am so ready for the stretch and it’s gonna feel really fucking good!

On a side note, I had a cat named Nike when I was growing up and was obsessed with all things Nike branded. This motto for me came way before Shia LeBeouf decided to swing his rat tail back and forth screaming those iconic words.

Mid-Late February Findings: Raw Thoughts on the Subject

Why o Why o Why my head be spinnin

My oh My oh My my life be changing

And for all the pain I feel 

And for all the loss I see

I can finally take some real time for me

Another free thought poem…

Images in my head

Insecurities inflamed and fed

The Universe answered my calls for growth and change

Funny it looks this way

If I were still using I would be going insane

Love is the anecdote for all

But pain is the immeasurable [bridge to intrinsically heal it all]

I stand by both these poems still today in May on my sober bday (did not mean to rhyme). It has been five years and I can really say I am starting to live and LOVE my life. Painful, anxiety ridden, fearful it can be at times- I know this is where I am “supposed” to be, simply put because this is where I am, now.