Journal Entry: March 3, 2015

Can’t keep you off my brain

I’m wondering if I’m going insane
The thoughts I have of you relate to me and makes me feel cold
Like who am I to ever think I was the sole person in this, to be so bold…
But of course now I wonder how you’re doing, what you’re doing not in relation to me but for you
That’s how it was before we formed something more
Maybe sticking with the desire is best.
Floating in the what ifs and continuously reaching, leaning, getting to know, getting to see yet still adrift
Was the feeling of my dependence of you a factor? Or was it the creation of a bond from the messy bridge going from one to another, without breaking up the old constructs,  that caused a wavering shift?
Then and now, this is what I needed
To be without, so I could go within
Even then, you’re in my dreams awake not awake- it doesn’t matter
The love I have for you matters
In fact it’s what is healing my
Grey matter
Blue inside
Sitting quietly, meditatively, underneath the Red sun burning my face, to awaken the fire inside
I hope you haven’t completely let me go though. I hope you dream of us (potentially) creating something wonderful in the future.
So,
I love you and am in love with you
The idea of us, I am letting go
To nurture me and the space I need to grow.
So,
I thank you,
my beloved for this
amazing gift.
I hope to give you soon, all of me
and intern see and hear all of you.
My vulnerability brings out my fear
My fear of, if I let go of this idea
When I come ready to meet you
You won’t be here
All is lost
I still choose to let go
Keeping faith with space and time
We may embrace as lovers again
Slowly clearing our subconscious grime
Together
with love, patience, compassion
Divinely in tow
Or, No.

Feelings to Thoughts

PAST

I never thought…

Sad to anxious

Anxious to sad

Heartbreaking, really.

Like watching only one episode of a show or just drinking

A single shot of an espresso

Why can’t the heart break or crack, just once

Like that!

Leave the rest of the heartbreaking days for reflection WITHOUT feeling the residual attack.

Did I ask for this pain?

At times, I feel like my emotions are the ones insane.

The love I have for you is greater than I ever thought.

The deep intense feelings when I see you, maybe too much, overwrought and fraught

I fell deep and fast

The red palm sized LOVE giant

With past empty chambers

Were quickly filled with vast bloody burning red embers

You picked me up and carried me some way.

Stopped.

Laid me down and walked away.

I thought I knew you.

I thought it was going to be just us

What resulted, cries and scars…

Choking on your shadows and dust

PRESENT

But then another version of you came back so abruptly

Confusion and excitement summoned the frail bleeding giant

Heartbeat pacing fast, leaking fluid, steaming up the embers

Goddamn you are beautiful!

Fucking gorgeous

Looking into your eyes, experiencing that infinite wonder, beauty, and potential

Immediately, I knew I was in trouble again, maybe back to the past, lost

And falling fast

Hoping this time I would carry me home

We can walk slowly, caring for our own souls and genome

I don’t care to know…most of the time

Void

Confusion

Bliss.

The unknown abyss.

FUTURE

Pleasure?

Desire?

Thirst?

The need to connect?

Leave me be?

Consuming and coughing up your dust in my smoky heart?

Crying and weeping, until I am dry?

Visceral Drought?

Bloody scabs?

Still loving you?

Lusting you?

Do I want to bleed for another? Don’t you see?

What if my frail, pale giant only wants you and me?

Misc

Anger

sadness

tears

repeat.

Joy

enthusiasm

sadness

strife

agony

tears

repeat.

Why am I so fucking angry? My madness proclaims discomfort is the weapon for discovering love. My heart cries, I was in love- why should it be so uncomfortable?

FUCK

Hollow

Hollow Me Out

How do I live when you’re not here?

Pain lives me; a wound speaks with my mouth.

And when you return? Only you know

How you hollow me out and dance in the hollow.

~Jalal-ud-Din Rumi

The once imminent demise of the old self comes back ever so often when Vigilance penetrates his mind. Perfection is impossible, yet focus and discipline prevail over everything. When life seems bleak for him, Hope invades the tiny crevices he uncomfortably allows to stay open. They bring the Light into the darkness. Cloudy and damp the brain must be. Like a warm and breathless room to manifest and yield mold, mildew, rust, and other forms of detritus that may take up the space.

For this resolve, he decides to stay in the Sun; to let the light in as much as possible, almost to blind him from the other side, the other parts of himself, which need to be unveiled. Later he realizes the balance of the two forces allows for the most freedom, especially creative freedom if the door is left open. His heart bleeding and expanding, finally growing into the right size of a man rather than staying impotent and gaunt mirroring his limiting tiny domain of lack, pride, fear, and distrust. Who knew the paradox of love alongside pain could be so transformative and powerful? He learns, shutting his eyes to the Light does not bring about the same affect as dimming the lamp in the already dark living room. The Rays can still penetrate the skin, gleaning messages and providing dry warmth. It clears the damp spaces, which were drowning and manifesting those hidden weeds. He still can see even more clearly than he ever has before.

What is clarity? What is belief? Attachment to all or nothing is still attachment, is it not? Detachment is the reaction to attachment. Understanding is lost when you question it all. Isn’t that the purpose though, to lose it all, break it down, and clear it away for our Vessels to be hollow?

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DENSITY IS THE DEEP END

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Define dependence. What does it mean to you? Do you believe you are dependent upon something or someone? Do you believe discovering independence is the answer? These are questions I have been asking myself as of late.

Growing up in an environment where my parents were emotionally and sometimes physically unavailable, I thought I learned to depend on myself. However, instead I depended on anything outside of me. Whether that was food, sports, high levels of suicidal ideation, fantasy, television, movies, music, sex, etc. there is a level of healthy and maybe not so healthy external tools for comfort and security listed here.

As I grew older, drugs and alcohol became the dependency tool to make myself feel comfortable. But there was also something subtler that became apparent and created a pattern: my dependency on people to represent my true colors, to help define me, to make me seem deserving.

One week into my sobriety I started a serious relationship. I let go of something to attach myself to something else. Was I aware, of course not! I had a belief if I could learn to give to another I would intern be giving to myself. This relationship would assist in my healing, not deter it.

But early on in the relationship it became clear that I was settling due to fear of being alone and I became dependent upon someone who was taking care of me, loving me and showing me that I was worthy of love. Something I never felt from the familial foundation I was cosmically supposed to learn and experience that love from.

As the years went by, I felt like I was coming into my own. Gaining independence and becoming aware that this relationship was no longer serving my growth, I asked for divine assistance and guidance and thus a brilliant circumstance occurred. Love came into my life and as I left this long-term relationship, I attempted to start a new one. Crazy? No. More dependency? Yes. As this relationship started, it became clear to the other involved something was starting to be off. I believe that something was the lack of space between a break up and a start to something new and the lack of awareness on how dependent I was to this person from my long-term relationship.

These two ideas created a quick stagnation and conflicted energy in the relationship where needs were not being met and unclear expectations became the foundation of me attempting to just recreate the same relationship I had in the past with this new person. Patterns, beliefs, and ideas are a bitch! Thank God this person was healthy enough, aware, and strong for the both of us to see clearly and break us from this potential bondage. Since the break, I have been hurting but moreover I have been in a state of abundant gratitude towards her and the decision. It’s allowed for me to go back to me. Square one. I have started to see and become aware of those self sabotaging patterns and tendencies I was somewhat oblivious of or just plain denying. As I walk through this process with grace and constant critical observation of those patterns to break free from, I started to read J. Krishnamurti again. He rocks my mind and world, connecting my heart to the depths of my soul.

From his book, The Book of Life, in the March chapter: Dependence| Attachment| Relationship| Fear, (coincidence? I think not) he writes on March 4 “Dependence sets going the movement of aloofness and attachment, a constant conflict without comprehension, without a release.” This statement blew me away. It was only days ago where I was trying to understand my own attachment to this new person I fell in love with. To try and understand my own inability to be present with her, hear her, and also be myself without just having the desire to be with her and please her. I was aloof and attached and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t escape this feeling when I also knew I was in love. I couldn’t find myself.

From one relationship to another I attached myself to this person subconsciously, depending on them for support and strength during a time when I needed to do that for myself. I needed to do that four and a half years ago when I first got sober. The dependence factor created this detachment and incomprehensible conflict that no amount of healing with someone could solve unless unnecessary pain and suffering was going to be welcomed by the other person.

Love is powerful. It’s what opened me up to further my growth, but pain is the catalyst for all transformation.

Krishnamurti goes on to say if we go deep, make ourselves completely aware of our conscious mind and this idea of dependence, the idea, belief, will uproot itself from the subconscious allowing for the two minds to merge, thereby giving ourselves a potential break, release, or freedom from this feeling of dependence.

I thank the person I fell in love with for helping me get back to myself. I thank the person I was dependent on for so long to remind me of what can happen if I allow the dependence to control me. I thank God and myself for giving me the vulnerability and strength to accept this idea and move through it.

I am going to continue to look at this idea, shed light, call it out, question it, wonder about it until I start to gain more awareness on the simple actions I take that connect me back to attaching myself to something or someone. I would say I am a pretty healthy person and through all this abundant change in my life, I am aware that I asked for this. I don’t have any regrets of my past. I am proud to say I am grateful for all the experiences that have brought me closer to myself and my God. Yet, I would like to continue to grow and change and this dependence factor is one thing I would like to let go of and release.

This doesn’t mean me finding my “independence” either. Krishnamurti makes it clear that choosing independence is just a reaction to dependence. It’s not how one would solve that problem. Independence is the concave lens to the convex of dependence. We would like to be in the center of both states. Experiencing the divine in give and take. The two must be merged for clarity and freedom. We don’t choose good instead of bad; clarity over fogginess. We see and study the bad to loosen the grip of a false belief that was never ours in the first place. It will rise out of the thick depth of the subconscious to be illuminated and understood that there is no good or bad, there just is. Like dependence and independence. It just is. We can be unattached beings living our lives without the quest of comfort and security, being aware and clear of our thoughts and actions, which create freedom, nakedness, authentic joy, love, and connection to another and ourselves.

Common Themes PART II? Zombies, Fear, Inaction, The Working Dead

Mesmerizing and awkwardly infantile are the feelings and the times when God decides to slap you on ALL cheeks of the face and ass and says it’s time! IT IS time to move into NOT an idea you had of yourself BUT INTO YOU. “…Qouth the Raven, Nevermore…” Nevermore will I entertain the idea that I can never be a dead lifeless body roaming aimlessly in life driven by my fears, worries, and insecurities. I chose to shed the zombie demeanor and awaken to the life I came here to live. SO LET’s LIVE IT SHALL WE! This includes accepting ALL of it and letting go of the idea of how I should be and not be, but rather just being and moving through the moment with grace and love.

Those fearful large black wings and mysterious sounds of crowing from the depths of our souls are crying for illumination.

Death crying from the trees.

Painful roots sprouting in our bodies that we ignore and shy away from.

These are the weeds/blessings we constantly need to examine, pluck and uproot from OUR garden of LOVE. I can only speak for myself, although I know the fray of those who can relate. We fear the challenges of the day and what they could lead to. We fear the moments of possible rejection, where life feels like it ceases and molds into that graveyard we always worried would manifest if we ever pursued the road less traveled. At the end we see our tombstone that reads, Here lies the individual(s) who took a chance on love and passion and failed. They failed miserably. Security, safety, expected structure is what rules the day and the times! Dismiss any passionate idea involving the unknown. These are the whispers in our head blowing from the fearful egoic wind. Therefore why even try to take that road? This fear leads into inaction, stagnation, and immobility, which creates a death from within.

That tombstone is our fear of the death. If we think of the death, the supposed failure, of course what is manifested is the death, the immobility, the inaction, the working dead, the zombie demeanor towards life. The fear of failure, which is now quite cliché to describe this process of inaction and unwelcoming as the complexity of why we do the things we do or lack thereof can’t be summed down to one single fear of something undefined!

No one FAILS! The IDEA to succeed or fail is the seed, water, and soil for feeling, energy, and behavior of the “FAILURE.”

FAILURE is living. It is being. It is all just as it is and as it will always be.

Moments in space and time

that we try to define

in order to control the feelings of pain and love rather than facing the sun and just feeling the immense rapture of the Divine from above.. or within?

Tend, to cause the illusion to become so very real.

Our cells constantly resurrect in our physical bodies minute by minute. Why can’t our ideas of WHO WE ARE do so too? We are always going to go through change that is foggy and difficult. That is lovely and poignant. Change that is wonderful and everlasting. Change that is deep and painful. Change that is change.

I can’t be a zombie anymore, but of course with awakening oneself, the obstacles, the clarity, the paradoxical truths of what it means to live also get awakened. Leaving the job was the first honest and scary truth for living a more fulfilled passionate life. The second, leaving the longterm relationship. Third, (all great things come in threes), deep intense (idea to be abiding) love for another, to a then profound healing heartbreak, was the unrelenting next “matter” to jolt me into breath again.

Whether we are continuing to be apart of the Working Dead or choosing to move into our lives fully committed to our souls journey, and ourselves I say as long as we are moving with grace and love, then fear, inaction, and maybe even…zombies will stay limited in the obscure dark and scary graveyard. Or not. Who knows? Who cares? It is whatever!