Truthfully my mind has been on other things. Nothing. It has been blank. I have been wanting to write but what about? I wonder alone at night, tossing and turning with emptiness. I have opened my vessel, cleaned it out and nothing is left it feels like at times, yet what is this yearning, this urge, this awareness to express? Coming deep from inside, I feel there is nothing to say; must be Gemini moon wanting to push me to chat, yet instead, I am here: movements boundless and free. Anger revealed. Joy shining. Darkness and Light merging. Abundance expanding. I am here. Being. Acting. Living. Observing. Doing. Whatever I am it’s moving at a pace I am familiar with yet it’s so new. I am growing up. I feel it. The roots from my depth have latched onto The Mother. I have claimed stake, here, and now to be whatever the Universe wants of me. Whatever it needs for me to do I am here. This is genuine. Why do I express that feeling because it never truly felt this real until now. It is so natural this feeling, so innate; it is truly coming from inside, from within, outwardly being expressed.
As my roots go deeper to the core, I stretch upward and out, expanding my voice, my movements, my desires, my parts of selves, touching my loved ones and those who don’t know yet how much I love them. Feeling the energies of all coming out of me, going through me, securing my claim, my abundance, my connection to the DIVINE wonder of ALL. It feels good. It feels scary. It feels ambivalent. It feels creative. It feels. It feels. It feels. As I walk with my eyes observing, heart navigating, and brain at full attention- I know in me and us all there is the love. THE LOVE. I say thank you. I say I am blessed. I say I am free. I say I am connected. This is just the beginning. So so much for me to experience, create, and live for. Yet, right NOW- Contentment, appreciation and gratitude never felt so good. Thank you all.
A dear friend of mine told me a story just recently about a friend of hers whom she met in Los Angeles years ago when she was in graduate school. She and this friend casually dated and as life happens they grew apart and went their own separate ways. Communication ceased. Years later she was contacted by said friend via text and learned he was married with a baby on the way, and had cancer.
So shocked and taken off guard by the exciting yet terrifying news- she gave him her love and wished him the best. Months later thinking about him she decided to see how he was and immediately learned of his passing. He was 35.
I share this story for two reasons. It was a semi- wake up call for me. I’m not scared of dying but I am terrified of losing people in my life that mean more than words can express. I know they won’t be completely gone and I do believe in the spirit world and their communication with us, but it still is a loss, scary, depressing, maybe even life changing when people pass. I realized there is more to this life for me than not talking to those people I care about because I “can’t” handle the challenges that come with it. The emotions or lack thereof because they “can’t” be emotionally available. I decided in the moment after closing my jaw from my friends story that I must take risks more. It is necessary for my wellbeing to sometimes say “fuck it” and push the envelope and dive into that scary abyss.
My relationship with my father is a rocky one. Who gives a fuck. I need to call him and tell him I love him. My relationship with my oldest sister is a complicated tale. Who gives a fuck I need to reach out to her more.
The other reason I needed to express myself through this story is because we’re mere mortals. We live on past this physical life, but that doesn’t mean the life we are aware of right now in this moment is so trivial we can just let it pass by without making the most of it. We can do whatever we please on this Earth, why don’t we at least do what the fuck we dream about doing! Say what the fuck we think about saying! Act. Live. Thrive. Just fucking DO IT. I am learning more and more that I let my emotions dictate my actions. NO FUCKING MORE. With grace, dignity, and respect for myself and others, I must act. I must do the risky shit. Push the boundaries. See how far I can stretch, otherwise why the fuck am I here? How will I know how far I can go or how much I can achieve if I don’t try? I am so ready for the stretch and it’s gonna feel really fucking good!
On a side note, I had a cat named Nike when I was growing up and was obsessed with all things Nike branded. This motto for me came way before Shia LeBeouf decided to swing his rat tail back and forth screaming those iconic words.
Why o Why o Why my head be spinnin
My oh My oh My my life be changing
And for all the pain I feel
And for all the loss I see
I can finally take some real time for me
Another free thought poem…
Images in my head
Insecurities inflamed and fed
The Universe answered my calls for growth and change
Funny it looks this way
If I were still using I would be going insane
Love is the anecdote for all
But pain is the immeasurable [bridge to intrinsically heal it all]
I stand by both these poems still today in May on my sober bday (did not mean to rhyme). It has been five years and I can really say I am starting to live and LOVE my life. Painful, anxiety ridden, fearful it can be at times- I know this is where I am “supposed” to be, simply put because this is where I am, now.
Where I’m from
I live in the dark sounds
Where I am the
Non-existent ass clown
Try to see me through the bad frown
Mirror in mind, my eyes don’t recognize you
My heart feels disconnected from your view.
What must I do?
To feel me. To feel anew?
Sadly, we’ve been here before and I pushed you away.
Mind, body fray.
I had to conform in order to stay.
If I had followed your lead would I be happier today?
Yes. The pain of rejection is exactly what you need to go within and love yourself.
So what now?
Do I transform into you? More pain will come…
With pain, love follows…