Forgiveness and Evolution

The pain I feel is immeasurable. Circumstances and details are lost in the cloud of fear mired in a history of learned hatred and discrimination. Will someone step up to the plate and bat for the underdog? They do it in movies, why not in real life?

In real life it’s too controversial.  It’s too difficult to speak for the underdog when there is a collective opinion that the underdog is of our own making. I want to believe that, I really do. I want to believe that everyone is equal and those who feel they aren’t are just playing a victim card, but the recent events happening in the US make me believe all the thoughts and beliefs my parents pressured me to understand were all still too real. “You must be better then them.” You can’t act a fool or it will perpetuate the stereotypes.” You must succeed at all cost and act as proper as one of them would…” But even then, even if I were to be a successful doctor, businesswoman, hardworking honest and trustworthy employer and neighbor, mother, sister, aunt, niece, student, teacher etc, would THEY still look at me as equal?

Some would. Others wouldn’t. The sad and disappointing truth is the others who wouldn’t are probably the most honest and genuine about their feelings towards the construct of race in America. The ones who look at me as equal are just as confused as I AM. Those confused individuals believe racism is gone and are acting out of self defense, or want people to stop crying wolf, but that’s where the problem lies. Why? We are fighting a system that is deeply rooted from the beginning of civilization as we know it under false pretenses of what equality is based on: a fearful misconception of WHO WE ARE AS HUMAN BEINGS.

On top of that system, there have been knocks and scratches at the door but nothing to truly penetrate and eradicate the limiting beliefs held by the collective. I say this not because I am hopeless but it is being illustrated in clear sight. In the news and courthouses, on the streets, in the schools, businesses, and communities. There is an underlying belief that certain individuals are to be feared at all costs. Lives are in jeopardy if these individuals aren’t put down. It seems quite absurd to write this and yet the actions of the few who are scared for their lives illustrate the underlying belief of the collective. I continue to say the collective because if only a few had these beliefs these circumstances that I speak of wouldn’t exist as we see them today.

We can no longer be complacent.

Yes, we can use your restrooms. Yes we can attend your schools. Yes we can be responsible for a multi billion dollar company. Yes we can walk down the streets with someone of the opposite race and not get killed?

No but wait, we are still being killed.

More subtlety than ever we are still being killed.

Lynched in broad daylight; maybe not in the trees.

No, there are no burning crosses; or bloody leaves.

Yes, but in the courthouses and on the streets.

By “authority”- in the prisons and jails.

By the justice system, our women, children, and men are being raped.

If the system is just saying I am YOU, like I could be YOUR sister, mother, aunt, niece, best friend, lover than why aren’t we seeing justice served? Of course there are complexities and laws, rules, and avenues in which lawyers and judges must take in order to meet the best objective opinion of these situations, but one shouldn’t be able to blindly use their authority to behave in such a manner that completely takes away the lives and the freedom of another just because they wear a badge and have vowed to serve and protect risking their life every day for the people. That doesn’t mean you can take anyone’s life because you felt threatened. Intentions set aside here.

There are people blindly acting out behavior they learned from collective energy that stems from the very beginning of time. YOU brought us here! Enslaved us! The few FOUGHT the MANY to FREE US and YOU created LAWS to keep us from being EQUAL. WE FOUGHT these LAWS and CREATED MORE to OVERRIDE what was set in the past, but then WE DECIDED to INTERNALIZE and DEMONIZE the hatred and discrimination. YOU decided to find other ways to keep us ENSLAVED. What is worse than all of this, MOST OF YOU ARE UNAWARE OF IT. This hatred and fear is in our cells, it’s in our homes, streets, trees, air we breath, it is everywhere. In the deep subconscious collective, the hurt, pain, suffering, hatred, guilt, shame, fear, anger, is ALIVE and WELL.




WE are all working pieces of art striving to live and understand this world. No one is perfect. WE all make mistakes.

Let us stir the muck from the melting pot and continue to mix it well, until the external expressions of the few mirror the natural internal beliefs of the collective- the collective, which is connected to SOURCE. It may never be a utopia, but we can strive for what those “Founding Fathers” phrased as LIBERTY and JUSTICE for ALL. We are the representatives of peace, freedom, strength, and hope to the millions of people who still suffer on a daily basis outside of our United States. Let’s remain the example of those words and EXHALE this energetic strife.

FORGIVENESS and LOVE are my themes for 2015 and my remaining days on Earth as a black gay female…

The Power of Not Knowing

When you think, “I need to do something because that’s what people do and I am this age and should be this and how am I ever going to do that thing if I don’t do this thing now.” Think again. Or don’t think at all. Pause and take a breath.

In my last post I mentioned a book, The Book of Life, by J. Krishnamurti. His passage on October 31st speaks of truly breaking down that part of us that is bound by the material, the time-ridden world- the illusion, for change.

By reading his passages, I truly don’t know where I am going next or what I am doing. All I do know is that the unknowing has always created a deeper connection with myself, others, and God. People talk about breaking down the ego or redefining who they are but it is still in the confines of someone else, some movement, some guru, some state of affairs, political party, organization, the list can go on. When do we truly know what we are doing, being, changing is for ourselves?

Krishnamurti says, in the silence, in the interval of that thought therein lies the freedom.

Change without active motivation is when we start to glimpse at who we really are amongst all the outside circumstances that generally govern our will and actions on a minute-by-minute basis, consciously and unconsciously.

Now, that is a completely different approach to the New Age movement in the sense that for anyone who has read the Secret and the steps to take to manifest ones world is all about thought, gratitude, and feeling. But again, Krishnamurti tries to stay away from the leader status, the person who knows it all. He urged all readers and listeners in his lectures, to question everything. Think for ourselves. Creation doesn’t end at the last stroke of the brush or when the note dissipates. It never ends. It is a continuous movement, but not the mechanical movement that we’ve been taught to perform since we were in preschool, like the hamster wheel. It’s the continuous movement, maybe aimless, definitely unknowing, when one is lost in the woods, when you think Moonlight Sonata is ending but then it picks up again and continues to create new feelings within. Whoever we are and whatever we do, the idea is to look within and question and try to better understand our intentions.

I am grateful for today because I feel I have no better sense of what I am doing and that is ok. I don’t need to know. What used to dictate my “should” actions are breaking down and that to me is creation, progress, and change.

A New Brain

October 27th, 2014

I haven’t been writing, but I am glad to be today. My emotional state has been rocky for the past few weeks. Transformation is a brewing. Coming across a new book called The Book of Life written by J. Krishnamurti has me on my knees. Of all the books non fiction or fiction, scriptures, lyrics, verses, articles, meditative mantras, I would have to say this book is changing the way I process thought and emotion.

The book is broken down into the days of the year. Each day has a title and a passage from the month that holds an overarching theme.

The month of Octobers theme is TIME | PERCEPTION | BRAIN | TRANSFORMATION.

Know the feeling when you’re always asking questions to the Universe and you pick up a book and read a passage and can’t believe your questions have been answered? Well, reading this everyday is like that feeling everyday. It’s so powerful; my heart aches with joy. The transcendence of past pain into revelation and abundance tears at the walls of my heart. No words can really describe what I am going through, but I will try and break it down from a passage I read recently entitled,

“A Fresh Mind.”

October 17th“I think constant endeavor to be something, to become something is the real cause of the destructiveness and the aging of the mind…” These words slapped me right between my eyes and knocked me out cold. Not only because that’s what has been on my mind since of course I left my job recently “ to pursue and discover my passion,” but also because I didn’t want to hear it. I tried to twist the words into something that I wanted to hear until I came across this passage…

“There is a Quietness”

October 21st

“You listen to something, and your mind immediately reacts with its knowledge…its past memories…either you are listening with a conclusion or you want an answer and you are impatient…You can only listen when the mind is quiet. In that interval, if you observe, there comes clarity. That is the new brain…”

The passages through October go on and on breaking down the formal system of thought, things, ideas, beliefs I knew but never practiced and never heard interpreted in the words I NEEDED to hear in order to assess, process, and form new ways of absorbing my presence.

I am on rocky turf now. My part time work isn’t what I dream of doing, but what I dream of doing stays in the confines of my dream world.

The desires of the heart are very different from the desires of the mind. The flesh is here for us to feel and experience. Maybe the mind is here for us to break free from the limiting flesh and absorb the expansiveness of the abundant spirit. Can it be that cognitive dissonance is just what we need to escape the shackles of habitual thought and routine?

Mixing black and white, we get grey.

I am here to be. So is the fly.

The arrogance our minds construct for us to believe that we’re here for something more than BEINGNESS is apart of the illusion. I smiled at a flower today. Drove to the canyon and discovered I was not teaching today. I connected with a friend. Spoke to my Mother and watched some funny and dramatic television. I normally judge and rate my day for identification and measurement on how close I am to my dreams that mostly involve acceptance and validation from strangers and material objects. I did not do this today.

Today I am writing with my heart and living in my flesh. Today I am smiling at me and it feels good. Today, I may have just used my new brain.



Depression Battles


In the embrace of the darkness we find comfort.

Looking at our past and future pain, sitting presently lost in time, it evades our brain

Consciously/unconsciously we let the gears run and let it spread its rust

We must talk and be, seeking spirit to remind us  how we are free

Who we are as souls don’t measure up to the material woes; we ignorantly pleasure and lust from our foe 

I am trying to remember who I am

Love from our mother, father, family and friends- we love at times, but we feel this love as never enough

Suffering, lust the ego for more separateness stuff

Enough is enough

Seek the divine within the mind and feel the power of soul body and mind intertwined

Trying to constantly remember…

From within

I stand

And Demand

The Love of

Who I AM